…and something in my heart shifted.

I’m not usually the one to be changed by a movie.  I do love movies, though.  If it doesn’t make me afraid to close my eyes in the broad daylight and if I’m not baffled by all the different ways to conjugate a swear, then I’m good.  Brady is the one who is good at pulling out morals, themes, worldviews, and applications.  It’s what he is passionate at and he’s good at it, too. For me, this one was different.  Waaaaay different.

When it comes to the poor and hurting, it’s easy to develop some level of pity for them.  I think one of my professors actually called it pity compassion.  You feel bad for them and your heart hurts for awhile, but the next day you forget all about whatever situation you were in.  I feel like that has happened to me a lot.  Until now.  When I went to see “Slumdog Millionare” with Brady, I was a little apprehensive.  I typically don’t enjoy R rated movies, but I had heard this wasn’t the typical type of that rating.  It was a great story about a boy who grew up in the slums, but came out on top when he proved himself worthy by winning “Who Wants To Be  A Millionare” fair and square.  There’s a cute little love story and everything.  I didn’t come away from that movie raving about the story line, though.  I came away from that movie with a stirring that could have only been from my God.  I came away from that movie and cried in the parking lot while Brady just held me.  I knew, then and there, that God was calling me to something more than temporary pity compassion.  He was calling me to compassion like His.  The kind that shatters His heart.  The stuff that keeps Him on duty 24/7.  There are children who are beaten and disformed just so that they are better money makers on the street; people have more pity.  There are girls who are sex slaves to anyone at anytime for any price.  There are mothers and fathers killed just because of their faith, orphening their children.  This wasn’t just the movie.  This is the world.  It IS our world.  America is not the norm.  And for that reason, I was rocked.

This past Sunday, Nathan George from Trade as One spoke at MCC.  He talked about the way that we can have an affect on this world for the betterment of His Kingdom.  He encouraged us to be proactive and wise.  He said that serving God is like a joyful abandon…we have to be ready to abandon whatever….WHENever…..in order to serve Him.  I have no idea what God is going to do with mine and Brady’s life combined.  But now, I’m excited.  I have typically just been fearful, but now I’m excited.  Brady said it best:  we need to live with a sense of urgency.  I want to be urgent for the poor.  I want to be urgent for the Church.  I want to live with such a sense of urgency that I can’t help but get up and do something for Him.  Enough worrying about my life and the little things that seem to be a big deal.  Enough thinking that I have it rough just because I haven’t been able to make decisions right away.

Enough.  I will live with urgency to pursue what God has for me.  And be content.  Afterall, He already has it written.

“For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.”

-Henri Nouwen

What does it feel like
In a world bound my turmoil
In the greed and starvation
Where nation upon nation
Give and take
Want and have
Without taking a breath
Or giving a glance
Any glance at all
To what’s going on.

It’s busy…right?
It’s loud…right?

It’s scary……right?

What does it feel ike
To be utterly lost
When your life is shattered
Where it really wouldn’t matter
If you helped a litte
Or spoke louder
The pain burrows deep
And your fear consumes
Because hope is all too distant
And never coming back.

It’s lonely…right?
It’s dreadful…right?

It’s familiar……right?

What does it feel like
When you’re totally fine
You’ve been blessed beyond measure
Enormous amounts to treasure
And you push thoughts away
Of what it would be like
Or what may happen
So your grip tightens
It chokes
A common, beloved goal.

It’s sad…right?
It’s messy…right?

It’s happening……right?

See wouldn’t it be on
Dead on
If those weren’t us?
If people saw something
A flicker that ignites
When we act
Love
Talk
Walk
Like Him

What does it feel like
In the palm of His hand
What does it feel like
To follow a simple command

Him, others, me
Him, others, me
Him…others…me

It feels distant…right?
It feels sudden…right?

But…it’s right……right?

I’m reading the book Crazy Love with my small group here at MCC.  Francis Chan does an awesome job at putting things into perspective…getting me to remember that my life is all about one thing:  acknowledging the fact that my God is relevant and He is the One who deserves the glory.  I was struck by a story he told in one of his chapters.  He mentions a young girl named Brooke who was killed in a car accident during her freshman year of high school.  She was all about leading people to Christ.  This is an essay she wrote when she was 12 called “Since I Have My Life Before Me.”

“I’ll live my life to the fullest.  I’ll be happy.  I’ll brighten up.  I will be more joyful than I have ever been.  I will be kind to others.  I will loosen up.  I will tell others about Christ.  I will go on adventures and change the world.  I will be bold and not change who I really am.  I will have no troubles but instead help others with their troubles.  You see, I’ll be one of those people who live to be history makers at a young age.  Oh, I’ll have moments, good and bad, but I will wipe away the bad and only rememeber the good.  In fact that’s all I remember, just good moments, nothing in between, just living my life to the fullest.  I’ll be one of those people who go somewhere with a mission, an awesome plan, a world-changing plan, and nothing will hold me back.  I’ll set an example for others, I will pray for direction.  I have my life before me. I will give others the joy I have and God will give me more joy.  I will do everything God tells me to do.  I will follow the footsteps of God.  I will do my best!”

If a 12-year-old gets it, surely I can, too.

I think it is so funny that sometimes I pick and choose when I give thanks to God.  For example, whenever I’m in a rush to get somewhere and I get to a green light, I say to myself, “Thank You, God!”  But, when I hit that red light and I’m on my way to being late, I get really mad..or I blame it on the slow car in front of me.  Am I the only one who does that??  Silly silly silly.

I get so distracted by my own needs and my own wants that I forget to do the simple and fulfilling task of giving Him all my attention and all of my love.  I am so blessed by everything and everyone in my life…I have no reason to not slow down and thank Him for all the red and green lights.

Yay Brady!  You’re the big 22!

Even though I really wish I could be with you on your birthday, I know that we are both where we are supposed to be.  I am so excited to grow and learn with you during this season of life.  It’s hard and it’s different, but we both know it is right.  I feel closer to my God simply because I am having to rely on Him in ways I haven’t before.  I know you are learning what it means to be a true man of God and I really admire your dedication to this journey.  I can’t wait to see where He takes us!  I love sharing life with you.  I love helping each other through the ups and downs.  Life is so wonderful with you!  Thank you for always making me feel loved and beautiful and cherished.  You are the greatest thing to happen to me, and I can’t thank you enough for all your encouragement.  I hope you know that I love you on your special day (even if you really do think it’s just another day…   Happy birthday to my best friend!

PS-Thanks for being fun.  All the time.

I feel so blessed by God’s constant provision in m life.  I don’t stop to thank Him enough.  Something that I love so much about Him is how He romances me with simplicity.  I feel like the littlest things make me the happiest sometimes.  Leaves changing, a new water bottle, a letter from Brady, laughing with little kids, eating a huge bowl of ice cream, tea, clouds, the smell of rain, a warm bed, hugs, a good book…even mechanical pencils have the power to make me happy.  Simplicity.  I have all I need and more.  Thank God for that.

Man I love to run.

I don’t know why either.  Somedays, it takes all the power within me to get up, put on my tenny-runners (as Anita would say), and go for a run.  Actually, I kind of hate it when I first start off.  But, half-way into it, I get a burst of energy.  I feel, for a brief moment of course, that I could run forever.  Afterwards, I feel so refreshed.  I just feel…better.

The hills. Oh the hills are alive with the sound of PAIN in New Hampshire!  Soooo many hills.  I’m not an experienced runner, so it would be great if we could flatten out some of these hills.  They go up and down and up and down. And up. Up. And maybe a little more up.  But, there is such a challenge in it!  I’m enjoying figuring out different ways to run to make it a little easier.  I probably look really ridiculous, but that’s half the fun!

Mostly, running is just cleansing.  It brings me closer to God.  I feel closer to Him when I run.  It’s an escape; where if I truly focus my mind it can be just me and Him.  Or, I don’t think of anything at all.  I just think about where I’m running to…how far I will run…plans for the rest of the day.  I’m reminded of 1 Corinthians 9:24-25–”Don’t you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize.” (NLT)

I want that.  I want that for others.  I long for us, the Church, to run run run every chance we get.  To stop and care for others, even when it may put us behind.  To put ourselves aside so others can dash ahead.  To stumble to the foot of the cross, even when we don’t think we can finish.  To throw our hands in the air when we realize the God has helped us achieve our dreams.  Life is full of hills.  Up and down and up and down.  There are days where I don’t think I can run anymore.  I would love nothing more than to ignore the call to pray or dig into the Word.  But, I’m learning that even when I don’t want to, I have to run.  I have to put on my big girl shoes and go outside.  I have to get up the hills to go down them again.  Whether it’s a jog or my Christian journey, I have to keep running.  After all, He wants us to just…run.  And run hard.

It’s hard to explain
This battle inside
It’s a pull at my soul
Like I’ve lost all control
And I’m wanting to hide

It’s hard to explain
The fear within me
My thoughts running wild
I feel like a child
I can’t think clearly

It’s hard to explain
The colds and darks
It’s like there’s a war
And I don’t know what for
It bites and it barks

It’s hard to explain
The weakness so deep
Down to my bone
I feel so alone
It’s hard not to weep

It’s hard to explain
Such a selfish thought
I have it so easy
I shouldn’t be queasy
I’ve got more than they’ve got

It’s hard to explain
A faith you can’t see
It takes all the might
A daily fight
To set yourself free

It’s hard to explain
A God who gives all
I don’t deserve the grace
To finish this race
When I’m always the one to fall

It’s hard to explain
The One on that tree
Through the mockery and jeers
In His sweat and His tears
All for you and me

I’m sitting here at MCC getting some stuff together for this weekend, and a song is stirring my heart.  It’s called “Hosanna” by Brooke Fraser.  The words simply make me want to fall to my knees.  The bridge especially gets me:

“Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me.

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am is for Your Kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into Eternity”

There are days where I’m reminded of how I don’t deserve His grace or His mercy.  But, on a day like today, I am reminded that I’m called to love like Him…to live like Him.  To do everything for His Kingdom’s cause.  After all, we were created to serve in the name of Christ.  I look forward to the day where I can walk from earth to along His side in Eternity.